The Relentless Pull to “Get it Right”
When “it” means everything, including morning coffee.
A Toxic System
There is a fundamental belief that guides me. It’s a paradigm around which I make most of my daily life decisions; a framework I use to evaluate every element of my experience. It is a toxic, insidious, oppressive system that issues hard judgments if I fail, even though failure or success can change on a whim. I haven’t always been conscious of this system.
But I’m hoping awareness will lessen the grip it has on my inner world.
What is this driving force that shapes my days? It is the need to get “it” right. It’s a rather vague idea that encompasses every single thing in my life; every action I pursue; every decision I make. Every. Single. One.
And I don’t think I’m alone.
“It” includes everything: parenting; body; mental health; exercise; eating; finances; teaching; marriage; morning routines; family relationships; choosing a restaurant on a Friday night out with friends; even vacationing (yes, I am often trying to get “it” right on vacation). These are just a few of the categories.
But “it” is indiscriminate and all-encompassing about what is included.
The “right” part of this is nebulous. What is “right” can change depending on a wide variety of factors such as a particular news story or an Instagram post or the company I keep. It can be an unsubstantiated conviction, a hunch, or a feeling that takes root in my spirit. These ever-changing characteristics of “right” make it tricky to actually achieve the “right” thing. So, “getting it right” is often unattainable, much like running very fast on a hamster wheel.
There is tremendous effort without ever getting anywhere. However, this doesn’t dissuade me from trying again and again to “get it right.”
And yes, it is crazy-making.
For example, take the breakfast decision I have each morning. I feel hunger and have a choice to make. My first thoughts of the day are how to get breakfast right. Eggs? Egg white mini frittata from Costco? Toast with my coffee? (Oh, definitely not a toast. That is the wrong decision. Unless, maybe, it’s paired with the frittata or some avocado. But even then, it should be Dave’s thin sliced bread.)
I am generally certain that coffee is the “right” decision. Especially if I steer clear of any recent news articles about how caffeine can kill.
Choosing what to put in the coffee is an entirely different issue altogether. I drink coffee with Stevia. I like Stevia because of the taste and apparently, it doesn’t spike insulin like sugar. I don’t have insulin issues unless you consider I’m an American with a sugar addiction (refined sugar being the evil of all evils according to a “60 Minutes” segment I watched), then I do have an insulin issue.
Of course, I only read part of the scientific study on Stevia, the part that affirmed Stevia as the “right” decision. I simply couldn’t read further down to see the pitfalls of the substance.
I was too tired at that point.
Arguments do exist that a person shouldn’t use sweeteners at all because it tricks the body into wanting to consume more food or sugar (and I did Whole 30 once and it sent me spinning. Beans are now bad? To get it right, no beans. This is why I watch a lot of TV, which is an entirely different category of trying to “get it right.”)
If I’m not careful, I might find myself staring at my coffee machine each morning paralyzed by indecision, trying to get it right. Thankfully, my love of coffee often overrides this paralysis. However, this is not the case in many other areas.
This System Turns Me Against People Around Me
When I am on this hamster wheel of “getting it right,” driven by the craziness of this thinking, I find my critical eye turning on people around me — judging to see if they are “getting it right.” I gauge my successes or failures based on their decisions.
This happens when I am feeling extra oppressed or judged by myself in my head. I begin to scrutinize, challenge and evaluate other people’s choices.
This has become a red flag for me. When I become increasingly critical of a person in my orbit, I make note that this is probably something going on inside of me; an indicator that I am not quite settled in my own choices, so I’m turning on others.
For example, I might begin to question my friends’ morning beverage of choice, and then begin to scrutinize and grade her decisions against mine. Perhaps my friend is a tea person. In this case, my coffee choice doesn’t fare well because in this arbitrary “getting it right” system, I am failing. Somewhere along the way, I concluded that tea is the “right” decision in the morning. (I am not arguing that this system makes sense. That is precisely the point.)
Or, perhaps my friend puts cream in her coffee, or better yet, synthetic vanilla non-dairy creamer. In this random “getting it right” system, the creamer is definitely not the right choice and now I’m winning.
And winning with morning beverages is where I want to put my energy. (Note. This is decidedly not where I want to put my energy, which makes these observations even more important.)
The system is wildly illogical. And that is the danger of its power. In the throes of it, I am not only trying to “get it right,” but I feel better about my decisions if others are “getting it wrong.” I subject others to this system in my head so I can feel better. This is a shitty way to go about relationships.
An Exhausting Way to Live With No Relief
Perhaps this is rapidly becoming obvious, but trying to win in this system is exhausting, like running on the hamster wheel I mentioned above.
Recently, I have made some choices where I would say I am “getting it right.” I have ticked off a few of the “right” boxes in the area of health and fitness and was certain I would experience immediate relief. This is not happening.
I falsely believe that even in the little “wins” I will experience some relief. I never do. Instead, what is “right” shifts to something new. Yes, I am drinking more water and less alcohol, but my carb intake is still not “right” so there is work to do. There is always more work to do.
I have recently started daily meditation, gone to acupuncture, and attended a hot yoga class. (The last example is lingering on the periphery of the “get it right” category. It’s under review. Because although I feel really good when I do it, the acupuncturist said I’m losing too much yin and should consider just walking. There seems to always be reasons I’m not getting something right.)
In pursuing these specific “right” choices, I thought I would experience some relief from the ticker-tape messaging that runs continuously in my head. I thought, perhaps the hamster wheel would slow, or maybe even stop. I could escape. Nope. Even the idea of escape is elusive.
I keep thinking that to escape this system means just continuing to try making the “right” decisions until, finally, I have gotten “it” all “right.” (Heavy emphasis on the quotation marks. For it is the quotation marks that highlight the faultiness of this thinking. The quotation marks illustrate the evasive nature of success.)
Soon the hamster wheel will stop spinning and I will step off. The result will be deep breaths as I bask in the great fulfillment of “getting it all right.”
Yes, this system is broken. There is no ultimate success here.
There isn’t some magical “getting it right” formula that once discovered and implemented will free me from what I most want freedom from…being human.
I Might Not Be Alone
As my awareness grows and I understand more about this internal system that drives me, I am also beginning to notice that I’m not alone in this. I am struck by how this paradigm of striving to “get it right” seems to be a ubiquitous undercurrent in other people’s thinking as well.
I find myself on the “get it right” road with fellow travelers who are also consciously or unconsciously on a quest to make the perfect decisions, the “right” decision with the hope of transcending the messiness of life. I can see it both in their harsh critique of themselves as well as their continuous evaluation of the choices made by others.
Without digressing into a critical analysis of social media, I wonder how much of this system is fueled by scrolling and comparing ourselves and our decisions to the presentations made on our social media feeds. We ask, what decisions is she making and how do my decisions rank in contrast?
Getting Off the Hamster Wheel
A friend and I were recently discussing this phenomenon, wondering how does one get out of this system? If we are stuck in the turmoil of trying to get “it” right, “it” meaning everything and “right” constantly changing, how does one escape?
And here, I’d like to type the three formulaic ways to step off the wheel, but I don’t have the formula yet. What I do have is the conviction that first identifying this system in ourselves is a key move towards escaping it.
Identification, awareness, and paying attention to this aggressive, toxic system can begin to diffuse its power, much of which is fueled by unconscious participation in it.
With awareness, I can address it consciously. I might say, “nope, I am not going to let my morning coffee fall under the “getting it right” umbrella.” I might even talk to my coffee in the morning, telling it I won’t let it fall prey to the system.
I also pay close attention to the darkness that descends in my spirit when I am being oppressed by trying to “get it right.” Because unchecked this can all get very, very dark.
This awareness also begins to increase compassion for myself and others. If I can step outside of the system and identify it, I can begin to feel compassion for how we are bound by it. I might even have a sense of humor about it. “Oh, you silly “get it right” system. I’m going to watch some Netflix and then I’ll read a book.
But you aren’t going to critique my love of TV.” It is with this sense of humor that I actually wrote a silly piece entitled “I Love TV” as an antidote to the “getting it right” system that says I shouldn’t watch TV.
(https://www.mandyosterhausream.com/life-in-general/i-love-tv)
One last way to release the power of this system is to ask specific questions about it. Questions like: What is “it?” Where does the idea of “right” come from? What happens if I don’t get “it” right? Why do I continue to hold onto this system of thinking when it is so clearly destructive? These questions must be asked continuously.
I am still at the beginning stages of this process. Some days the process is much slower than I’d like; slower because I still cling to the idea that there is some final destination where all is, well, right and I will be done. I will be off the hamster wheel for good. This is not the case.
So, I continue to remind myself that it is valuable to explore the places where toxic thinking has seeped in. Then I can begin to slow the wheel. Maybe even try just jumping off from time to time.
And with that, it’s time for a cup of coffee. I might even add my husband’s French Vanilla non-dairy creamer, even if it is definitely the “wrong” choice.