You Don’t Have to Catch it Just Because They Throw It

Photo by Syed Ahmad on Unsplash

Have you heard that chimpanzees throw their feces at people? We humans do the same thing, but we add an extra step to it. We try to catch it.

One human throws shit and another thinks she needs to catch it instead of stepping aside and maybe even walking away. However, unlike our monkey relatives, our shit-throwing takes on a different form, a less literal and more figurative form. But it packs the same punch, emitting the same nose-burning stench.

I realized this a few years ago and once I noticed the dynamic in play, I began to see it everywhere humans were present.

This first came to my attention after one specific Friday evening seven years ago when I was sitting with a group of fellow volunteers celebrating the completion of a successful community event for over 1,000 people. As we wrapped up the night, counted the money, inventoried unclaimed Silent Auction items, and reveled in how much fun the evening was, we realized we were all exhausted from our efforts and decided to finish up the following week.

When I returned after the weekend and helped attendees pay for their auction items, a fellow volunteer came in to share a critique she had heard about our work. One festival attendee made a passing comment to this woman. “Would’ve been nice to get a call about my prize Friday night,” he said.

“The nerve!” I thought.

Expletives flooded my thoughts, my blood pressure starting to rise, anger mounting as I began rehearsing a snide reply to this ungrateful, narrow-minded, selfish narcissist. My friend, also hearing about the comment, verbalized her own fury and we began to brainstorm where this man could put his prize.

Then, from out of nowhere, I remembered a random story about monkeys who throw shit at people and it dawned on me: This guy just threw shit at us, and we caught it!

Whatever limitations or hang-ups this person had going on in his life, not getting notified about winning a prize the night of the event was very frustrating to him. Then, he bundled up his negative emotions about it and lobbed it, his issue (his feces in this metaphor), at us.

This happens all the time.

Recently I was feeling particularly stressed about things in both my parenting and professional life. As my frustration increased, I rolled it up and lobbed it at my husband, who was standing nearby. My shit had nothing to do with him, but I wanted to direct it somewhere and he was a convenient target. One technical term for shit-throwing is “projection.” Very easy to do and often completely unconscious, which also adds to the convenience.

What’s particularly noteworthy to me is not just that we humans throw shit at one another, but that we also catch it! This is another unconscious process whereby I think that if shit is being thrown, I am supposed to respond to it in some way. Its mere presence means it must be interacted with, it must be caught.

For my friend and I, we reacted as if we were supposed to catch it. And, to make it more interesting, we added some of our issues (adding our shit, such as feelings of inadequacy that we didn’t do a good job, issues about not feeling appreciated for the hard work we put in, etc., etc.) to further justify our catching it and got ready to throw some shit back.

And, here’s one more layer to add to the complexity of it all. My friend and I did not actually hear the original comment first-hand from the man. Or rather, we did not catch his shit directly. We caught his shit from the other volunteer who told us about the comment.

After our big event, the frustrated man threw some shit out into the air with some friends, like playing hacky sack — just passing it back and forth. A person walking by saw the shit-passing, reached in and grabbed it. She didn’t just catch it but actively took hold of it and carried it around for the weekend until she could throw it at someone else. Enter my friend and me.

Then we caught it.

And this is what separates us from the monkeys; not opposable thumbs.

Of course, there is another option.

We don’t catch it.

Instead of catching the shit, we could move out of the way and let it drop. Here’s what it looks like if we don’t catch what is thrown at us; if we don’t collude with another person that his or her stuff is about us. The man throws his comment, “would’ve been nice…” at us and we step out of the way, letting it land on the floor.

I see a person is frustrated about something. Maybe he’s unable to consider all the factors that kept him from receiving his prize the night of the event. He might even try and make it my fault or my problem: incompetent Raffle/Silent Auction chairs; women; People taller than 5’4”. But those are his issues. I don’t have to catch this man’s accusation or take on his vitriol. I can just step out of the way and let it fall next to me. I might also argue that all the people along this chain of events could have stopped catching and throwing.

Of course, people shouldn’t throw shit at you. Why am I even typing this sentence? But it happens. Monkeys throw shit. People make their own issues about others.

One important element to all of this is that even if I don’t catch it and let it land on the ground. It still stinks. Even if I walk quickly away, the stench lingers in my nostrils. It can churn something inside of me that makes me uncomfortable and that discomfort can be hard to deal with. But sometimes, the most valuable step is first acknowledging that was his shit and not mine. I can smell it. I hate the smell. But that’s all. Leave it there.

There is one other radical possibility, and only a possibility if other certain criteria are met like boundaries and no presence of imminent danger.

Sometimes, we can turn back to the monkey, the person, and toss back empathy and kindness. We might gently say, “Hey, I see you’ve thrown some shit. How are you doing? Why are you throwing shit? Don’t you know, we’re all in this together?” (I’ve seen this done.) It’s almost like seeing the shit and throwing back a Febreeze mist.

Sometimes the person catches this. And, sometimes the person lets grace and kindness fall on the floor. That’s not under our control.

Sometimes we just start by reminding ourselves again and again: I don’t have to catch the shit. I don’t have to catch the shit. I don’t have to catch the shit.