A Case For Empathy
In the novel To Kill A Mockingbird, by Harper Lee (1960), first-grader Scout Finch, struggles to understand the actions of her new teacher, Ms. Caroline. One night Scout pours out her deep frustrations to her father, Atticus, asking if he will teach her at home so she doesn’t have to go back to school. He replies,
“First of all, he said, “if you can learn a simple trick, Scout, you’ll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view…until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”
This is empathy, considering life from another person’s point of view. And empathy is one response to two questions I often hear: “Who does that?” and “What was she thinking?”
These questions often emerge in conversations about people when we can’t believe the decision they made; when we are baffled that a rational, thinking human, like ourselves, could make such a crazy choice. (And the following examples are specifically related to my experience at the elementary school…but I am sure you can think of some examples relevant to your own experience.) “She sent her kid to school with goldfish and a coke? Who does that?” “He parked in the staff parking lot? What was he thinking?” Actually, these are great questions when asked with empathy in mind. What is he thinking?
Perhaps if we look at life from his perspective we might shift from judgment to compassion. With empathy we may be more apt to ask questions of the person himself instead of chipping away at his character. I might be more apt to approach him in his car kindly and learn, from asking questions, that this is his first time at school pick up because he recently lost his job. So, he’s distracted and didn’t see the signs. The parking violator then thanks me for applying Atticus’ wisdom and drives happily out of the lot. Rainbows and unicorns.
Ok, things may not always turn out so poetically. But what if we attempt to understand the other person’s perspective before we draw our conclusions; learning a person’s story and how her story shapes who she is and the decisions she makes? What might happen?
Atticus argues we’d get along better with people. Empathy leads to compassion. It enables us to withhold rash judgment. Empathy helps us give someone the benefit of the doubt. Empathy helps us approach another person with curiosity. Empathy encourages us to ask questions before we start accusing.
I watched my mom ask questions and show empathy often in my childhood, specifically with people who were serving us. I remember going through the checkout line at the grocery store and encountering a short-tempered cashier. Instead of getting huffy, my mom asked, “How’s your day going?” or “Hard day?” I don’t remember the answer. Maybe she’d been on her feet for six hours and her pre-mature arthritis was acting up. Maybe she had an argument with a sexist manager. Whatever it was, my mom chose not to meet short-temper with defensiveness. Instead, she decided to ask questions. Those questions cultivated empathy towards the other person. And you know what? I watched people change. They were grateful to be seen. Empathy is transformative.
If you are open to the idea that we’re all in this together, then I challenge you to consider things from the other person’s point of view, whoever that “other” might be on any given day. (The “other” – your partner, your kids, fellow parents, teachers, the slow driver in front of you on the freeway) See what happens. It might amaze you.